“I feel so fat”

It’s part of my inner monologue sometimes.

There are so many times that I have felt fat, and gross and ugly throughout my life. It’s certainly not a new feeling, considering that I have been overweight my entire life. I have grown used to it. Thinking and feeling this shame and disgust has become natural in my life, even though I have always kept it to myself. It’s a feeling that I am having less and less as I lose weight, but it’s still very much a part of my life.

I’ve lost almost 250 pounds, and yet there are still many days when I feel like this quite often, but I have also found that there’s something interesting that happens once in awhile.

Sometimes, I will have a day in which I feel absolutely horrible about myself. I think I am incredibly fat, ugly, disgusting, and I feel like I am a complete failure at my health goals. I spend the entire day thinking that my appetite is out of control, that I can’t stop snacking and I imagine that I am just going to gain all my weight back.

These days don’t happen very often, because for the vast majority of my life, I am proud of what I have accomplished. It is definitely something that I attribute to the lasting mental health issues surrounding obesity. I am glad that I know how to recognize this fact, and I am also glad that I don’t dwell on the negative aspects very often.

I think the fascinating thing about this feeling is that literally every single time I have these horrible thoughts about myself for an entire day, when I weigh myself the next morning, I always weigh 2-5 pounds less than the day before. It’s extremely strange that something goes on in my mind and body on the days when I am about to experience a large drop in my weight.

I don’t understand why it happens, but I always end up feeling so much better about myself the next morning. This has happened so many times. Probably at least twice a month, the exact same thing occurs.

1. Wake up extremely hungry.
2. Eat anything that happens to be around, snacking constantly.
3. Feel shame, disgust, and failure all day long.
4. Wake up the next day 2-5 pounds lighter than the day before.

I always end up eating the same general amount as every other day, so nothing really changes. I guess it’s just that moment in which my body is reacting a little stronger to my caloric deficit. It’s an interesting part of my life, both enjoyable and annoying at the same time. I don’t think I will ever get used to it.

With success, comes failure. It’s part of life. But as long as you stay dedicated and focused on the success without dwelling on the failure, you’ll be just fine.