Last summer, a quote became incredibly well known when the movie “Barbie” was released. I absolutely love this movie for so many reasons, but the one thing that sticks with me the most internally is the quote that I have made the title of this post – “Do you guys ever think about dying?”

When I watched Barbie deal with the existential death anxiety that suddenly falls upon her, I understood it immediately. It’s something that I have felt strongly over the past couple years. Perhaps it’s something that came upon me after I turned 30. Don’t worry, I realize I am still young. But I am also at a stage in my life where I am pondering deeply about both what has happened and what is yet to come.

Facebook loves to share all kinds of ancient memories from the past. The posts I made when I was around 18 that show up from time to time are so strange. I don’t know who that person is anymore. I read it, question my 18 year old self’s sanity, and then click “delete”. Just like that, a small part of who I was is just wiped away. But really, that small part of me already disappeared years ago and I have no real record of when or how that person disappeared from who I am now.

I feel like as we grow and mature, our brain clicks “delete” on so many small aspects of our personality without us paying attention to it happening and now that I have seen that, it’s starting to freak me out. I think I am a pretty decent person right now. I work hard, I treat people with respect, I seek not only to learn but to teach and help, and I know that I am loved. But….I used to think all those things about myself when I was 18 years old as well and now here I am reading these old facebook posts wondering what was wrong with me back then and barely recognizing myself.

It makes me wonder what’s wrong with me now. What parts of me are worthy of sticking around and what do I need to “delete”. Will I know when it happens? Will it be an active decision?

But deeper than that, how long do I have to keep growing and changing? Where will life take me? Will I only have 1 year left, or will I have 50+? How many versions of me are left to live? And if I do live through many many more versions of myself, what will my life look like when I am old?

I’ve already started going to physio regularly – what does that mean for my future? What if I am miserable when I get old because I have nobody? What if my body is completely broken, or I am incapable of functioning in any manner of ways independently? Will my general health decline drastically? What if I cannot speak, or write, or think in the ways I do now? What if I die tomorrow?

Aging scares me in a way that it never used to. I am grateful for the time I have had and am desperate for more. I’ve experienced enough loss in life already to know that it can happen any day, any time, with very little notice. When I was younger, these are not things I thought or worried about and now it feels as if my whole perception of life has changed. I have no idea how people much older than I deal with it!

I am scared of losing friends and loved ones, scared of losing my mental capacity, and after watching my mom get sick and die, I am worried that if we are able to have kids some day that I won’t get to see their lives unfold.

I was listening to a podcast where Jessie McLaughlin said “I am as young as I’ll ever be from here on out” and described how she had learned a trick to savour the moments by imagining herself as a 90 year old time traveler, imagining how she would feel if she got the chance to go back to her present age of 42 and just sit with her husband. She would look at herself and feel like she has her whole life ahead of her still, that she was so young and vibrant. Through using that trick, she has learned to savour the moments so much more.

When I heard her say this, I felt deeply emotional. My breath caught in my chest and I knew I finally had a tool to use to realign myself when these thoughts cross my mind.

I love life. I love it so much. I love people, I love making a difference in other’s lives. I don’t like the existential thoughts of death and dying that come with aging….and yet I do like the process of aging and maturing itself in the sense that I get to experience so many new things and witness more of the beauty that the world has to offer.

Yes, I have FOMO. That definitely contributes to the anxiety of what I may miss out on or experience. I think we all need to find our way of dealing with the thoughts, and today I believe I found mine.

I am going to imagine that I am a very wrinkled old 95 year old man who has witnessed all his hopes and dreams come to life and I have just gotten the chance to time travel back to a random Sunday at 33 years old sitting on the couch watching a Hallmark movie with my wife. I will treasure that experience in a way that will suppress all the worry in the back of my mind and I will live in that moment without any other care in the world.