Written in months 3 and 4 as the beginning of the 4 month sleep regression kicks in.

It’s suddenly infinitely harder to get him to go to sleep and stay asleep. Nights are harder in some ways because now I’ve got to work in the morning and need more sleep than I did in the early days when naps were more possible.

3.5 months in, and I can safely say nothing has tested my patience more than a shrieking inconsolable baby. I will be forever grateful that he’s relatively peaceful and the hard moments, while seemingly eternal, are actually fleeting.

I’ve seen him grow in my very arms faster than seems possible. The newborn stage another thing that is fleeting.

He’s become talkative, as we spend time together cooing and babbling and chatting away each night before bed. There’s suddenly nothing I love more than to talk endlessly to my baby. I tell him all about my day and then I listen to his wonderful cooing recaps of his adventures.

I look at him and can see complex emotions as he shows confusion, frustration, curiosity, and happiness all at the same time. Knowing how to stop a crying fit in it’s tracks has become a skill I never knew I could have. Likewise, knowing when to leave him to his frustration because he’s actually learning is also a new developing skill.

I lay with him on the floor and roll back and forth or do little push-ups next to him to teach him how to move his body and he grins in his little mirror when he gets himself onto his tummy. His rolling gets better every day but he still cannot roll from tummy to back again. In those moments, I appreciate feeling needed as I help get him unstuck.

When he fights naps or is incredibly unsettled, I have my few songs I sing or hum to calm him that work for our bond. They may not work for others, but they work for us. Sometimes it’s one verse over and over again being hummed on repeat dozens of times in a row. I don’t know how these songs rise to the surface for each parent and child, but when you find them, you never let them go.

Everyone I talk to says to savour these moments and days as they pass by too quickly. I’m usually a “what’s next” kind of person, but I will say that having a baby has changed me to be so present and live in the moment. I enjoy laying on the floor with him, holding him, changing his diaper, and making him smile. Every second I spend with him is just simply not enough.

When I am stuck in traffic trying to get home from work, I feel an angst that pulls at me harder than anything before. I’m so desperate to get home to spend as much time with him as possible before he has to go to sleep.

When it’s bed time, I get him ready and I ask him questions and he talks to me constantly. We will have a long back and forth that I hope will some day turn into him actually telling me about his day and pouring out his soul to me.

His crib lives on my side of the bed, and even though my caffeine intake may have increased as a result so that I can function better at work, I would never trade it for anything. One of my greatest joys is carrying my perfect sleeping baby back to his bed after a nighttime feed. That little bundle has grown in weight and length every day but still somehow feels the same. So innocent; such a peaceful face, already drifting back to sleep in my hands. It’s a beautiful sight that makes me feel grateful each and every time I experience it (3-4 times every single night).

I know some men have a hard time bonding with their babies, but that’s certainly not my experience. I’ve got my face in his every moment I can, talking to him and playing with him. Holding him when he cries, feeling his body sink into mine as he eventually relaxes. I miss him when I go to work, and look forward to the next smile he gives me.

He has very much become my world.