Written March 2024 about events taking place November 2023 -January 2024

Previous: Infertility Part 19: Failed attempts

After our third failed IUI, it felt natural to take a bit of a break. For one thing, we were out of donor sperm samples and there were no more available from the same donor, so we knew we would have to wait or find a new donor. I was not ready to go through that all over again yet, and Andrea was not ready to put her body through more cyclical stress again just yet. We also didn’t know where to direct our remaining funds.

We took November and December off from trying or moving forward which meant that we could take time to be with family and friends over the holiday season, take part in our normal Hallmark movie rankings, and do the things we love to do with no stress.

But all the while, I was quietly trying to avoid the thing that scared me the most: Finding a new sperm donor. I was constantly hoping that the previous donor would have some new samples come available. Our clinic was watching out for them and had put in a message to the sperm bank to notify them if they came available. Every couple weeks I would log on to the sperm bank website and look at the donor profile, see that there were still no vials available, and I would feel anxiety grip me.

I have described before how it can feel like you are trying to find a replacement for yourself when selecting a donor. When you’ve successfully done it once, you don’t really have a desire to do it again.

The only thing we really did during this time was meet with our doctor at the fertility clinic and discuss our future options. We were entirely given a choice:

1. Continue with IUI’s
2. Move to IVF

Although 3 failed IUI’s seemed like a lot, it basically can be equated to trying naturally for 3 months. Nobody would ever be worried or concerned if there wasn’t a pregnancy after 3 months under “average” conditions. There’s a slightly higher chance of success with IUI, and they usually advise doing this first when there appears to be nothing wrong with the baby carrier themselves. It just seems worse in this position since we had already been working at this for years. There’s a good chance Andrea could get pregnant by trying IUI a couple more times, but we’d also have to buy several vials of donor sperm again and who knows how many we’d need.

IVF on the other hand, is much more invasive and will take a toll on Andrea’s body in the form of heavy medication, surgery, much more expensive, etc. But it does have the best overall chance of producing a baby at the end of it, and we would only need to purchase 1 vial of donor sperm.

The doctor advised us that we could choose anything we wanted as at our stage either option could be a good choice and explained that many people will have a preference for one way or the other. It was helpful to hear the options and know that the choice was ours.

We already knew that we wanted to do IVF as we felt that it would be the best use of our remaining savings and give us the best chance overall. We also discussed taking a break with our doctor, and he was supportive of that as well and left it up to us when we chose to begin again.

During this time off, we also made another appointment with our counsellor to talk about where we were at and just make sure that we were doing everything to stay connected with our emotions. It really helped to talk things out and I talked a lot about my hesitancy about trying to find another donor. We were able to work through that quite well and it helped me gain the courage to start looking.

After Christmas, we began looking again and at the beginning, I actually started to look on my own because I wanted to ease myself into it without too much pressure. It was easier than the first time, but still felt uncomfortable at first. This time it had a new challenge where I started also comparing the donors to the original one we had previously chosen. I definitely had some bitterness in my heart when I felt that none of them were good enough and I constantly wished that we had purchased more vials of sperm at the beginning. The feelings of would’ve, could’ve, should’ve were strong for awhile and it wasn’t easy to get over it.

One thing we learned the first time around was that when you are having trouble finding a donor after you’ve set all your individual search filters (height, ethnicity, hair colour, etc), you may have to alter at least one of them to include a slightly broader range. That’s what helped us find the original donor, and once again it helped us choose a second donor. After changing one of the search filters to include a slightly lower height range, we were able to find another donor that we both felt really good about.

It’s strange to think that while there’s only one me, that I have now found 2 people similar enough that I could be comfortable with them being the donor for my future child. It seemed an impossible task and yet I think it’s taught me a lot about myself along the way.

Just like the first time, we appreciated this man’s ethics, the way he thinks, writes, and speaks. His appearance looked reasonably close to me, and as we kept reading his profile, that same sudden feeling of calm overcame me, and I knew that this would be the next choice.

Before this process, I didn’t know what it would feel like to choose a donor, and in many ways, I still don’t. I’m not sure I can ever put it into words, but if I had to try, I suppose I would say that it’s emotionally difficult, complex, frustratingly impossible, and then suddenly over.

In some ways, it doesn’t seem like much of a break, but it definitely was. There were still things to accomplish, but we managed to do those things with much less stress. Not having to face the timing of cycles and counting the days was a huge relief for both of us.

Next: Andrea Part 5: Stims