Father’s Day has always been a rough one for me, and anyone who knows me well enough will easily know why. A product of divorce, alcoholic home, and domestic abuse all brought on by multiple fathers. Back in 2018, I wrote a post that dove into my feelings on Father’s Day pretty well. You can read it here: Fathers. I’ve had some, I’ve had none.
It’s been 4 years since writing that, and of course the one major thing that has changed has been an infertility diagnoses, which has altered my view on my own path to fatherhood. I admittedly always thought it would be easier. I thought we were in control, and I thought my dream of being a father by age 30 could conceivably happen.
Well, it didn’t and never will, and that has definitely done a number on me lately. I’ve learned to readjust my timelines and be more patient with whatever life is going to bring us, choosing to continue to have hope for the future. I believe there is a strong path forward by consulting a fertility clinic and pursuing the many possible options out there.
When I first found out, that’s not what filled my head though. What filled my head was thoughts of never being a father, and how utterly depressing that is to me.
My whole life, I have avoided Father’s Day as much as possible. It made me depressed to see other kids happy and celebrating their dads, and making gifts for them in school and such, and I had nobody to give anything to (well, sometimes I did, but certainly didn’t want to….abuse will do that to a kid I suppose).
In the past few years since writing that post in 2018 however, my view on Father’s day has changed a bit. For one thing, I have continued to maintain contact with my biological father, slowly continuing to grow our relationship to a level at which I feel comfortable, and I have come to enjoy speaking with him, which is something I once thought was impossible when I was younger.
But the main reason is because of Andrea’s dad, who has very much become my dad as well. He is everything I ever wished I had in a father and I truly have come to enjoy celebrating him. We have developed a tradition where we create an incredible charcuterie board and spend hours just eating an enjoying time together. For the past few years, this tradition has given me something to focus on rather than avoid the day entirely like I used to do for most of my life.
This year, though certain things are different about my life, this one thing is not. I spent the day preparing for our charcuterie feast, and tomorrow on Father’s day, we will enjoy it all and have just as much fun as we always do.
The men in my life who have been the most fatherly to me over the course of my entire life have not been related to me, and I think that fact has continued to help me through this process. Someday, I do feel confident that I will be a father as well, and it won’t matter that it’s not going to be my biological child. I am grateful enough to have experienced the love of many fathers throughout my life that have made it a point to share their love with me as well as their own kids.
That’s what I am going to choose to focus on this year, while looking forward to whatever next year brings.