Sometimes, I am not okay

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Today is one of those days.

I was laid off in mid March and like many millions of people, I have been supported by government programs amid all the uncertainty. Over the past two months, I have tried to be as positive as possible through all of this, as is my nature. You may have seen my last couple posts on my “quarantine” activities. However there are some days that I am really just not okay.

Those posts show how happy I can be during a time of stress, because I like to remain positive. I like to help those around me to remain positive. But those posts don’t show the pain I feel as well. They don’t show the hours that I stare blankly at my computer screen, thinking about what to do with my life if I can’t go back to my job. The hours of looking for jobs, that is ultimately not very fruitful due to many suddenly dying industries and businesses that are facing shutdowns right alongside my current organization.

I don’t like to talk about all that time spent trying to figure out what to do with my life because who wants to read that? I don’t want to depress people with my unhappiness.

Then when I think about it, I realize that maybe there are others out there that need to know they are not alone.

It’s kind of ironic. This week, as the province “reopens”, I have already seen more friends in person than I have in the past two months, and yet I am only now beginning to feel alone.

Other people get to go back to work.
Other people get to go on about their lives.
Other people get to celebrate the beginning of a return to normal.

I, along with all my coworkers, got our contracts cancelled and got a severance package with no idea what to do next. I’m not feeling the same level of optimism and excitement that everyone else seems to be right now.

I love to feel needed. It gives me motivation to be part of a bigger plan. I need to feel and see God’s purpose in my life (or my purpose in God’s plan) and right now I feel like I’m not needed. At all.

I am beginning to feel lost in a sea of doubt and uncertainty. Who knows how long this will last? When will I have to give up my hope of going back to doing what I love to do? When will i know how my life will change forever? Working for a non-profit gives me great meaning in my life, but they’ve all been hit hard with crippling financial burdens. They rely on donations to survive. Donations that dry up when people lose their jobs. If people can’t donate, it also means we can’t provide help and love in the way we know how. It’s a cycle that is hard to maintain.

And yet I am reminded that many more people in this country and world are so much worse off than I am. There is always someone in a worse situation, and I am grateful to be financially okay right now, and I am grateful to have a comfortable and peaceful home to live in as well.

I’m grateful, but I also kinda feel absolutely destroyed in my own unique way. I just feel useless and unnecessary in a way. I don’t feel it all the time, but I definitely do feel it. This week, having our contracts cancelled was a finality that I do not enjoy.

I’m not sure how to end this, but I know that putting these thoughts down has helped me smooth out my feelings and dry my tears. I try to love life as much as humanly possible, but I want everyone to know that I find it unbearably hard sometimes too.

I hope you’re all hanging in there as well.

Keep your stick on the ice.

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