Trigger Warning; Abortion/Miscarriage/Loss.

Previous: Embryo Transfer #1

June 2024

Throughout my entire childhood, I always knew that my mom had trouble getting pregnant and ended up going through 5 miscarriages before I was born. I listened to her talk about it, and I knew that she had names chosen out for each one of the siblings that I never had. I never quite knew how to feel for her. I never understood how to miss something that I never knew.

Sadly, now I do.

After our first IVF Frozen Embryo Transfer, we found out that Andrea was pregnant. She took many home tests and the line kept getting darker and darker, and we were thrilled. It barely felt real after all this time, but finally we felt excited about all the possibilities of our dreams finally becoming reality. The fertility clinic confirmed the results with a blood test and the first HCG numbers looked strong.

We had some extra blood tests over the next couple weeks and while the numbers were still rising, they didn’t appear to be strong enough. They had us come in for an ultrasound to see if it was ectopic. Thankfully it wasn’t, but they also informed us it was likely the pregnancy would not be viable. They booked another scan 8 days later to see if growth occurred. The doctor seemed “Cautiously pessimistic”.

We left that appointment feeling so uncertain. We spent the next 8 days trying to be neutral. There was a chance that the pregnancy would continue just fine but it wasn’t a big chance. We are both optimistic and hopeful people but didn’t want to get our hopes too high but we also couldn’t give up.

We talked a lot, we went for walks and discussed the possibilities and throughout all the uncertainty we made sure that each other felt loved and prepared for anything. I spent most of my spare time reading about what to look for on the next scan and how development occurs. I read stories of other people who have gone through IVF and were in similar situations. I read old posts so that I could see what ended up happening for those people in the future. In many ways it was torture because basically every possibility that could happen is written out there by someone. It’s just so impossible to know what is going to happen.

At the next ultrasound, it was very tense and while there was development and growth, there was still no heartbeat detected and there absolutely should have been. The doctor let us know that it’s did not appear to be a viable pregnancy and presented Andrea some options to choose from to end the pregnancy. We could wait and see what happens, which has a lot of potential medical risks, or we could choose to terminate the pregnancy with medication.

Also known as an abortion.

At the time this was occurring, this very medication was being reviewed by the US Supreme Court as they considered banning or heavily restricting access to it. You may immediately think a medical situation does not “count” as an abortion, but literally the definition of abortion is: “the deliberate termination of a human pregnancy” and that’s what this was.

We are both incredibly glad to live in Canada for the reproductive rights that exist in this country. Anyone going through the IVF process obviously wants a child. But sometimes pregnancy doesn’t go all the way.

Thankfully, my wife had the full freedom to choose what was best for her in this situation.

Freedom to Choose.

Now if we lived in the US, it’s already illegal in 14 states for her to obtain this medication, and many others are trying to put in restrictions as well. The doctors in those states have stopped providing all abortion care as a result. There are many within Canada who want to restrict access to abortion care in this same way as well.

We both know many people who stand against abortion access, and if you are reading this now and find this upsetting to read, please know this:

We both found incredible comfort in being able to obtain this medication and plan for this absolutely heartbreaking event in the way that was best for us, and that’s the way it should be for everyone, for any reason.

We went shopping the night before and bought some special snacks, I picked up the medication at the pharmacy myself, I talked to the pharmacist and learned what would happen at every step of the way, we planned our day with happy movies and things to distract us. I was able to be there and take care of my wife during the saddest moment of our lives as her pregnancy came to an end.

Without full access to reproductive care, my wife may very well have been forced to deal with this pregnancy ending naturally, and there’s no way at all to know when that could have been. She may not have been prepared and she may not have had support. It may have happened at work or in public, surrounded by strangers. If you don’t know what this literally looks like, you have no idea how horrific that would be.

At worst, she could have died if something went wrong along the way.

That is all abhorrent and frankly it fills me with sadness and anger that anyone could be against this level of care. I will always be glad for the care that she received and the speed at which we were able to obtain the abortion medication.

People need to have abortions for many legitimate reasons. Any act to restrict this has unintended consequences that prevent women from obtaining the healthcare THEY DESERVE.

I was once called a baby murderer by someone I knew for expressing the belief that women have a right to their own body and that others should stay out of that decision. I am proud to say that I stood by my wife as she chose how she dealt with this directly with her doctor. Yes, we talked about it, and yes, I was in the room. But it was never my choice because it’s not my body.

I understand this may anger you, and I understand I am being more blunt than I ever usually am, but this is the most important thing that’s ever happened in my life. We wanted this child, but we also needed this abortion to ensure the safety of my wife’s life and prevent unknown consequences.

These are decisions that need to be made between the gestational carrier, their doctor, and anyone they trust to discuss it with. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and you should always be able to choose what to do with your own body, but nobody should EVER impose anti-abortion beliefs and restrictions upon another person who is in need of that healthcare.

We both love Taylor Swift, and there’s always a song for everything. There’s a lot of people who resonate with the song “Bigger Than The Whole Sky” when it comes to dealing with pregnancy loss. So far through this process, nothing has brought me more tears than listening to this song. I am grateful to have this to help me heal.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky
You were more than just a short time
And I’ve got a lot to pine about
I’ve got a lot to live without
I’m never gonna meet
What could’ve been, would’ve been
What should’ve been you
What could’ve been, would’ve been you