Written Aug/Sep/Oct 2023

Previous: Infertility Part 18: First IUI

We had purchased 3 samples of donor sperm for our IUI’s (Intrauterine Insemination). Read more about the prep and first attempt here.

The first one had some physical symptoms attached to it that were new for Andrea. We didn’t know what they meant, but we tried not to read into it too much. We wanted to keep our expectations in check, and eventually it resulted in a negative test. That first month passed by with us not too heartbroken or upset, because it was new and hopes were high that the other months would be successful. We learned what it looked like to go to the fertility clinic, have the IUI performed, etc. It was all just a learning month.

For the second month, the trip into Vancouver and the procedure in general was much smoother and calmer now that we knew what to expect. We felt so calm and good about it and yet that two week wait passed by quickly with almost no symptoms at all. Neither of us felt like she was pregnant – it just seemed too smooth. It also turned out to be negative. But at this point is when I had a bit of a panic attack. Knowing that we only had one chance left with that same donor, I looked to see if there was any more samples available and there wasn’t. I couldn’t handle that, and began to cry and rant somewhat nonsensically and Andrea had to help me calm down and be okay. I knew I just really didn’t want to go through the process of finding another donor, and I didn’t know how much money it was going to take to get more samples. It felt like all I could do was panic.

I tried to remain positive for the third attempt. It turned out to be very easy to be positive, since the timing lined up so that Andrea would be testing for the first time on my 33rd birthday. We both thought this would be the one. There were symptoms that made it seem hopeful, and honestly, how perfect would it be we if we find out Andrea is pregnant on my birthday? What an amazing story. I think perhaps we both let the romanticism of this guide our emotions a little bit and we got our hopes up pretty high for this one. Very sadly, the test was negative on the morning of my birthday.

I had a lot of things happen in the week leading up to my birthday that had caused me some sadness and frustration. I told myself all week “It’s okay, Andrea is gonna be pregnant and then nothing else matters”. I made myself feel better using misguided hope. I am such a naturally hopeful and positive person that it is really hard to keep those hopes in check. Perhaps I should have tried harder, but ultimately it doesn’t matter. It’s a coping mechanism I used in the moment to give me hope and move past the other disappointments and annoyances in my life at the time.

I am grateful to have someone in my life who encouraged me to feel my feelings through the week, just like I try to advise others to do. It helped me not to be completely overwhelmed all at once, but of course it still hurt to look at yet another negative test with my wife. This one hurt the most out of all the ones I had ever looked at before. I had built up my hope too high for this one, and now I am not sure what comes next.

The official blood test isn’t until later on this week. We will need to have an appointment with the doctor after the official negative comes through. We need to discuss our next options. What should we do next?

For starters, we need more sperm samples, but the donor we chose has none available. How long do we wait for more, hoping they’ll show up but with absolutely no guarantee? Do we abandon that and start all over again and search for a new donor that has vials available now? I’m not sure I can describe my emotions for either of those options. Both of them are sad and mildly traumatic. The waiting, the wondering, the uncertainty. It feels like it will never end.

It was hard enough going through the process of choosing a donor once, working through all the feelings of finding someone similar enough to me; the feelings of being replaced; coming to terms with the fact that other people can do something I can’t. Will I need to do that all over again? Finding a second donor almost makes me feel even less of a person. It makes me feel so replaceable and unspecial.

Then of course there’s the matter of money. At this point, we are over $10,000 into this journey and we have no idea where the end might be. I wouldn’t say we are at the same place we were before, because we have lived and learned and grown together from this experience. But it’s hard not knowing where the end is. In many ways, we have progressed and moved forward together, remaining strong in our relationship through it all, but in the biggest way that matters the most to us, we are still in the same place. No child.

The day after this negative test I had to take the day off work. My mind was not all there, my heart much too sad and distracted to make my way through the day helping others. I knew I couldn’t just ignore these feelings. They were very real and I needed to address them before they completely overwhelmed me. At first, I was actually feeling very guilty that I felt like I needed to take a mental health day and Andrea was going to go to work and carry on. I talked to her about this and she reassured me that I am allowed to have my own feelings unique from hers and that I was allowed to feel whatever I needed to feel. I often need someone to verbally and outright say that to me in order for me to feel like I have the right to do so. Perhaps that’s part of the general “masculinity” that gets pumped into men’s brains their whole lives, or perhaps that just who I am. I have no idea, but I am glad that I have a supportive spouse who will encourage me that it’s okay to feel sad sometimes.

It turned out that Andrea also needed to leave work early one day when the feelings piled up and overflowed for her a couple days later. Emotions hit people in different ways at different times, and I think that’s an important thing to learn and remember.

I don’t know what comes next. I don’t know what the doctor will say and I don’t know how long we will wait to try again, or if we need to find another donor, or how things will play out from here on. What I do know, is that I am not alone and I am very grateful for my wife who stands with me as we do this together. We have friends who care about our feelings and make sure they are sensitive to them while also including us in their lives and the lives of their children. We have our health, we have our good spirits.

Those are all good things to have and to know right now.

Next: Infertility Part 20: Taking a break