Previous: Infertility Part 17: Sperm Donors

August 2023

Pre-IUI

After going through the process of purchasing donor sperm, it was delivered to the clinic from the sperm bank just in time for Andrea’s cycle, which meant that we could get started right away, the very first month.

In preparation for the first IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) procedure, Andrea had to call the clinic on day 1 of her period, and then get an appointment booked for an ultrasound on day 12. As we got closer to that appointment, Andrea of course was actively tracking basal temperature as normal but also was testing for ovulation regularly. This was the first time in a very long time that it felt “real” and so much more intentional. It was a feeling that had not been present in our lives since before my diagnosis when we were actively trying to conceive every month. Andrea was given specific times of the day to test, which also meant that we were both at work during that time frame and I kept waiting for hours for her to text me and tell me the result of the ovulation test. We knew that if it was positive, then the IUI would be the next day, and we would need to get off work for that day.

Initially I was not sure I would go into the follicular ultrasound, but on the morning of the appointment I was very excited to go in with her and just be with her through the whole experience, and I knew that Andrea wanted me with her. The appointment was pretty early in the morning, and when we got to the clinic they informed me that partners were not allowed to go in. I was immediately saddened, but it was nothing compared to when I asked if they had a waiting room anywhere in the clinic….and they said no. I had to immediately leave Andrea and sit downstairs by the elevator.

This was….sad. I definitely felt like crying to feel like I was being shut out of part of this process. I totally understand it’s a small room and they are super busy in the morning. I understand that partners would just get in the way. But understanding that does not take away the emotions. I went and stood in the stairwell of the office building and took a few deep breaths and wrote down some of my feelings. I wanted to be there, I wanted to hold her hand or just look at her. I want to hear the results at the same time, I want her to know that I am with her.

I am thankful that this ultrasound was super fast and she came downstairs relatively quickly where we found out the IUI date and Andrea was given some medication and a trigger shot to take the day before to induce ovulation. She took this shot the very next morning. It was the first time she had ever given herself a shot and she did very well. This meant that ovulation would occur the next day, and our first IUI would occur.

IUI

It felt like a bit of a rush being moved from place to place and having procedures and medication explained and appointments booked over the course of a couple days. I think how fast all of this happened meant that in some ways it suddenly didn’t feel real that we were actually here.

It was an interesting observation to realize that everyone in the waiting room were all there for the same reason. Everyone there has difficulty conceiving for a variety of reasons and I couldn’t help but look around and feel not so alone. It’s just a room full of quiet hope for the same thing.

A few months before, I had been told by one of the nurses that I would be able to assist with the IUI and actually push the plunger. This was something I didn’t know about at all but the moment I heard this, I knew that I wanted to do it, and so I did. I was thrilled to help with the IUI, knowing that I had direct involvement in the creation of our child. There was a sense of loss and grief when I first learned I would not have a biological child of my own. I went through a period of depression thinking that I was worthless and would not be involved at all in the process of creating a child. I feel like this moment of helping with the IUI really took that power and agency back for me.

I am grateful for the medical possibilities that allowed us to be in this moment. Such a healing moment for me, and hopeful moment for both of us. Basically as soon as the nurse left, I had teared up and was very emotional. I loved being there and felt all the hope in the world in that moment.

As we walked out, I had the urge to stop at every door where people were working and just stop them to say thank you for doing what they do. Obviously I did not do this. But I was just so happy and emotional that I definitely wanted to, just to show how utterly grateful I was that this is even an option for us. When we left, we went for a walk and talked about just how fast it was, and suddenly here we are having completed one IUI. It honestly didn’t feel real to either of us. Knowing that as we walked around, Andrea could literally be pregnant already and we wouldn’t know.

It’s stunning how long we waited to get to this point. How many years we’ve been waiting overall and to finally and definitively know that there’s a real chance. It’s hard to stay realistic. I have to actively try to be realistic that it may not result in a pregnancy, because my natural inclination is to be positive and optimistic. No matter what happens I want to try and safeguard both of our emotions so that we can be prepared for any eventuality.

But first….we wait.

Next: Infertility Part 19: Failed attempts